Regrets
by LAIsobel
Summary: One shot set after 3x12 as I just don't want them to be happy after her little speech - she doesn't deserve him, she should fight for him! No beta, sorry. And thanks CodyC3482 for the brainstorming - you rock!


**A/N** _– I watched 3x12 and the end wouldn't let me sleep. And I know I have another story in progress but that is right after 3x11 and I don't want to mix them up. This is just a one shot that follows up right where the episode left us hanging._

 _Sorry but I just don't like it how they play out the show now... what the hell happened? It used to be soooo good. I can just hope they're gonna fix the mess in a reasonable way. Turning such an amazing show into this? Come on! Please..._

* * *

 **Regrets**

"So do I." Kurt replied and his hands trembled.

"Good." Jane said and smiled at him.

His heart was about to burst and he felt tears in his eyes and he didn't fight them this time. Jane seemed to be equally affected and after a moment of looking into each other's eyes, after searching for answers, she just made the steps she needed to get closer to him and when she was sure he was not about to disappear she touched his cheek and felt him lean into her touch.

Kurt knew this was going to destroy him but he couldn't help himself. She was there and she was touching his face. How many nights did he spend dreaming just about this? He closed his eyes and exhaled.

And before either could decide what to do their bodies moved on their own will as they remembered how the close proximity could make them feel. And so she titled her head and he bent down and their lips touched.

They kissed and it was like kissing for the first time.

Kurt felt blessed and he felt worn out. But soon the emotional fog in his brain lifted and he realized that this was very very wrong. Yes, it was his wife, in his arms, her soft lips touching his, but there was something about her that was different and he suddenly felt sick.

Jane didn't really know how it happened but she wasn't able to think clearly. She was kissing Kurt and he was kissing her back – only that now he wasn't.

Kurt pushed her away and took a few steps back.

"We can't do this."

"Why?" She asked him.

"You can't be seriously asking me that." Kurt said and as he took the steps away from her his brain wasn't that clouded anymore.

"Kurt..."

"You're right, Jane. I do have a history of being let down by the people I love. And yes, you're one of them. I just don't think you realize the full extent of your betrayal." And he was desperately trying to stay calm.

"What do you mean?"

"You keep on talking about how I have hurt you by not telling you about Avery. And I know I did."

"Kurt..." And she could tell that the situation between them was changing rapidly. She was getting worried. She could still read him and his posture, the way he held himself, the way he talked and they way he flexed his fingers...

"The pain, the guilt, it was and still is eating me alive even now when we know Avery's okay. But what about you, huh? Do you feel the same way about your betrayal?" He asked and she didn't know what to say.

"You betrayed me in more than just one way and you don't feel sorry about it. You think it doesn't matter? Do you honestly think it's okay, all you did?!"

And she couldn't answer him because she finally started to think about his words. They stayed silent and she knew she was losing him. He was distancing himself from her and he was holding back his anger.

"Do you remember your vows?" He asked suddenly and she was taken aback.

"Of course I do."

"Did you mean them?"

"Yes, Kurt. I meant every word."

"And yet you broke that when you left in the middle of the night." He said and felt more sad than angry. But he knew it was just a matter of time.

"I wanted to protect you and Bethany, you know that, Kurt."

"No, no I don't."

"What?!"

"We talked about it and you had no right to make that decision without me!" And both his temper and his voice were rising.

"I didn't want you to lose your daughter!"

"I didn't want to lose you!" He shouted back at her and his voice showed how deep this went. "But okay, let's say you had good intentions. It doesn't explain why you didn't finish the job so you could come back home."

"I have already told you about that.."

"No, no you haven't. You said some things but it doesn't make sense. Or perhaps it's simple." He said and finally looked into her eyes again. "Deep down you didn't want to be with me. You needed something different. And I was such an idiot."

"That's not true, Kurt. Don't say that, please." She pleaded.

"You know I could forgive you for leaving. And I could perhaps overlook the real reason why you came back. I used to think you were still trying to get the bounty off of your head so you could come back home but no, you were living a happy life and if it wasn't for the box you would still be in Kathmandu right now..."

"No..."

"But then you left again. And you made me feel your anger every single day and I accepted it all and let you have your way even though I was hurt by your secrets as well. And now you're back. And neither of those times you came back for the right reason."

"What are you talking about? I want to be here with you."

"No, you don't. You just don't want to let Roman win. You don't want to feel lonely. You can't forgive me and your lover is gone so you came back here..."

"Kurt..." And she was crying openly. "He's not my lover."

"You had an affair, Jane!"

"NO!" She shouted back. He just stopped her as she tried to move closer to him.

"I wish we could... I wish we could just be happy together and help Avery and take down Crawford and finally figure out what is what Roman really wants... but I can't."

"You don't... you..." And she couldn't finish.

"I don't know you, Jane, not anymore."

"Don't say that..."

"The Jane I fell in love with, the Jane I married... she's gone, isn't she?" He asked and she didn't have an answer for him. "That Jane would know me well enough to know that after spending my life trying to find closure about Taylor I would hardly accept the fact that the love of my life decided to leave me behind and break my heart by sleeping with another man."

"Kurt..."

"I made my mistakes and I paid for them. I'm still paying actually. But you, Jane? You made your own mistakes and you should be sorry and asking me to forgive you as I kept on asking you to forgive me. But you're not."

"I am sorry, Kurt."

"Really? It doesn't seem so." And his anger was gone.

"What do you want me to say?"

"If you don't know then there is nothing to talk about." He told her and sat down, exhausted to the bone.

"I love you, Kurt."

"And I wish I could believe you."

Jane nodded and went over to the bottle he had left on the counter. She poured herself a drink and knew she had a lot to talk about. Kurt stayed in the armchair, head in his hands, feeling so worn out it actually hurt. Hours passed before they spoke again.

"You think I don't have any regrets and you're wrong. And I realize that you don't believe a word I say right now..."

"Jane..."

"When we realized you were set up and on your own today, I felt something I thought I couldn't feel anymore. I was worried about you, worried I could lose you forever. And I started to think about everything that has happened between us in the past weeks."

And as she felt this was her last chance she came closer to him and knelt down in front of him. And she touched the ring he was still wearing.

"You never take it off, do you?"

"No, I haven't since the day you put it onto my finger." He said.

"I don't deserve you." She whispered and he moved his hand so they were holding hands then.

"Jane..."

"You have to be honest with me if we want to make this work." She said and he nodded.

"Okay so let's say we take time to talk and make things right."

"All right..."

"There is one thing I don't think I can forget about. As you're going to hold Avery against me..."

"Clem." She said fully understanding.

"I know you think you can just say it happened and it was a one night stand and that it didn't matter... but you broke your vows."

"And lost your trust."

"As I have lost yours."

"Kurt..."

"I know you have my back in the field and I know I can rely on you when it comes to working a case."

"I feel the same about that."

"I just don't think I can trust you with my heart and soul right now. And yes, because of what happened between you and him but also because I don't think you fully understand how much you have hurt me." He said and she nodded.

"So what now?"

"Now we get some sleep and we go to work tomorrow morning." He said and she realized she was crying again.

"And about us?" She asked and barely held it together.

"I don't know right now." He said and she waited for the rest as she could tell he wasn't finished.

"I'm not taking off my ring, Jane." And she wasn't expecting that. "But I'm not giving yours back to you." He finished and her heart broke.

Her tears were burning on her face and they came as a surprise. He opened her eyes with all he said and she knew he was right – and that she truly didn't see the full extent of her actions.

After a moment she looked up and saw him crying as well. And she desperately wanted to hug him and hold him and take all the pain away. But she knew he had to be the one to make that move. Little she knew he was having his own internal struggle.

"God..." He whispered and moved down to the floor so he could hug her. And as she sobbed in his arms and cried and he held her and rocked her and cried along with her, he knew she had her own regrets.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt." She said in between sobs.

"I'm sorry too..." He said and kept on holding her as fiercely as she was holding him.

They both had their regrets but it seemed that together they might find a way to start over – and right this time – hopefully – as they needed each other desperately. And that was why this was so damn difficult.

 _All right I was about to write angsty fic with not-so-happy ending but well... I am hopeless idiot! Now I can just hope that 3x13 won't show them happy together like nothing happened! Damn...  
_


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